Where do I go from here

You know, I started writing this blog to allow myself a creative, text based, outlook on my life. But I find myself bitching more than creating art.

In the last few weeks I have been struggling with life. An intense hatred of everything around that is so powerful, I feel weak and pathetic once it subsides. An example of which is hearing people talk around me. All of a sudden I get this intense almost uncontrollable urge to staple their face shut. Sounds violent, yes. When an animal is backed into a corner they tend to do things that they normally would not do. They lash out at their attackers because, well they want to utilize that chance… however small it may be… to survive…

I have been backed into a corner.

My career has gone to shit. In the last 2 weeks I have done nothing but serve other people. And it’s not the nice “can you help me” service but rather the “do it now, worthless scum” type of service. I am thinking that I don’t belong here. When I signed up for this job I was full of hope that I would not have to fight anymore, I would not have to push for the freedom that everyone else sees on a daily basis. The freedom that has been hidden from me my whole life. Apparently that is just a pipe dream.

I find that for every step forward I take 2-3 steps back. I find myself reverting to the primal person of my past. Secluded and rash. There was a time where I did not speak to anyone in a tone below a yell. That was a dark time where I was constantly defending myself mentally, physically, and spiritually. I had to fight; there was no other way other than insanity. I fought to keep my wits and not allow darkness to fill me. This is a choice I had to make and in this world it is not a choice that is acceptable. The norm would rather you go insane, that way they can lock you up and not have to deal with you.

In some cases I sympathize with those people that “go crazy” and commit a violent act. I think I understand where they are when it happens. They are in the corner, and there is no way out. Those people may not be able to quiet their demons; they may not have the skills to push them into the darkness. Or maybe they did have the skills but they pushed the demons so far back that they too got backed into a corner.

As I sit here and watch my projects, work and opportunities get passed to others who are trying to ruin me (that’s not paranoid delusion, I heard them say as much just different words) I realize one important truth. Humans are backstabbers. I have stabbed my share of backs in the past, whether it be by shooting my partner in the back in a free for all laser tag game for extra points or by dating a female that was dated by a friend of mine first (although I don’t consider the last one to be backs tabbing, he does, I think 2 years in-between dating is enough time to call it a thorough breakup but WTF do I know). I try to keep my friends close to me and assist them in every way possible because frankly, I don’t want them to go through what I have in the past. But it seems that once I allow people in, they screw me.

I am thinking here out loud, because if I don’t, I may lose my mind.

I am getting closer to that corner. I am beginning to lash out at anyone and anything who poses as a threat to me. My feelings are only compounded by the fact I could not relax and enjoy myself when Bitty was in town. She could not calm me; my spirituality could not calm me. I was touching the mother’s body and I could not even feel her or speak to her. Sylph has all but abandoned me and Undine is weeping daily. I tried to welcome the earth into me to help me but there are so many demons I cannot hear their voice. I cannot even remember when the last time was that I spoke to my friends. I miss them terribly.

Ever feel like life is against you. As of today, I do now.

I was so happy after the Beltane event. I had heard the mother speaking to me. That lasted only a few moments before humans decided to slap me down again. Now, I am in a phase where I don’t want to do what made me happy because the pain of getting there far outweighs the benefits, thanks to humans and their lack of …brains (took me 5 mins to think of a word and that one did not work all that well).

Another slap down, another stab in the spine, and a complete lack of support. /feel like giving up

At least I have Cuba to look forward to. I am gonna bet that someone with fuck with me there.

Pretty soon I will be like this.

2cp